From May 2013

The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Read (and my unsolicited response)

I have a love hate relationship with blogs. I find that I either read something truly unique that expands my awareness of an issue or I just waste 20 minutes wading through hyperbolic garbage. The blog re-posted below is one of the latter. This comes from Elite Daily, which claims to be “The Voice Of Generation-Y…a medium for people tired of disingenuous content.” (From their Facebook Page). My commentary is, obviously, in bold.


Why Men Aren’t Really Men Anymore

Finally, a blogger will explain to me how to be a real man. Please, enlighten me.
Life • Paul Hudson • May 29, 11:39am

There was once a time when men used to be real men. When? What time period? A range of years would be preferred, but I’ll settle for the last year when they stopped being men. I ask because specifics like these are what separate actual journalism from amateur garbage. When they dressed with style, when they had a certain honor code they followed that involved treating not only their elders and each other with respect, but women alike. Which men did this? I’m assuming you didn’t just make these broad generalizations up and you based them off of observations of actual historical men. Unfortunately, those days are far- gone — a thing of the past. Yea, again, a year range would be awesome. Like, is this before or after husbands were legally allowed to rape their wives? Was that when men were classy? What we have now is… to be quite honest, I’m not sure. Hey, we both don’t know what the fuck it is you’re talking about! Whew!

There are of course certain men out there who still have their affairs in order, but we are few in number. How many? I’m willing to take a percentage on this. Like, 20%? And what does this data consist of? Monetary worth? Good deeds?What people are most often subject to is the company of boys who are refusing to grow up and man up — boys who prefer to play with their toys than to do their part in bettering society, the human race and the world as a whole. Agreed! Put the video games down and volunteer, dudes. Finally, we’re on the same page. These poor excuses for men have the bodies of adults and the mentalities, as well as the social outlook of toddlers. Horny toddlers, but toddlers nonetheless. My girlfriend’s nephew is a toddler. He likes to kiss dogs on the mouth. Its kind of awesome. How dare you insult him.

It’s all about character — or in this case, the lack of character. Something has been happening during this era dubbed the “information age.” Social media platforms have taken away the need to interact face to face, taking away the need for actual interaction. This is great in many regards: you can now keep in touch with friends and family all over the world from a handheld device. You mean a phone, right? You know phones could do that before they had the internet. It was called long-distance. Also, I believe your argument is starting to lose focus. Gee, I wonder if that will continue.

However, much of the interpersonal confrontations are now also taking place online. People no longer feel that they have a need to meet in person to discuss their differences; they can now troll each other online. Back to phones: I recall you could talk to people while not being face to face by using those, too. People are using the Internet as a shield, hiding behind IP addresses in order to speak their minds. NO ARGUMENT, but once again, FOCUS…LOSING The Internet acts like beer-muscles. It makes you believe that you are stronger than you actually are, making you more aggressive. There is nothing wrong with being aggressive when circumstances require it. Like when? When you are actually being physically assaulted? And how aggressive do you get back? What. Are. You. Talking. About?

Personally, when my fight or flight response mechanism kicks in, I always go with fight. Good for you, violence is the answer! We are talking about the true definition of fighting right? Not an internet fight? Because you never specify this. It’s not by choice; it’s just the way that I am wired. Fact. We have no way to control our compulsions and become better people. Great observation. Online, people have no need to run away because they are already in hiding — so they always choose to “fight.” Like you! You just said you did that! Although the fighting they do is just about as significant as the fighting I do when I play Call of Duty. Hey, that’s a video game, isn’t it? Wait a minute, isn’t a video game a toy? Didn’t you just say that men today are at fault for playing with toys? Do you have an internal editor at all?

The same interaction from beneath cover can be seen when we look at the intercommunication between men and women. It is no secret that both men and women alike have sexual urges. Men, however, feel the need to get off more often than most women. Science! So instead of having to spend the time to meet a real woman and have actual sexual intercourse, they watch porn. Psyche! We do both!

Instead of going out into the real world and meeting women, they stalk women on Instagram. See above response to porn! People now date online as well. It’s much easier to talk to a woman online than it is in person—or rather, it’s not that it’s easier. Both are just as easy, but for some reason, men now prefer to hide their faces behind their monitors. (Every time I use the term ‘men’ in such context I quiver) I’m quivering reading this right now! I may vomit! It’s out of fear and laziness. Men have become lazy pussies. There ya go, talkin’ like a real man. I don’t even want to use the word pussy because it brings to mind women, who nowadays have much more character than men. As opposed to when they had less? What does that mean?

Generation-Y is the instant gratification generation. LINK. VISIT THIS LINK. We want what we want right at the moment we figure out that we want it. We are willingly giving up one of the most important things in life: the waiting period. Having to wait and having to deal with our urges and wants without instantly having them satisfied is what builds character and is what we are now lacking in this fast-paced age. Like how you hammered out this shit-fest in half-an-hour, right?

If we want food, we order it online and have it delivered. Remember how we couldn’t order food to be delivered before the internet? Right? Oh wait. If we want to listen to our favorite song, we find it on YouTube, iTunes or Spotify. Oh no! If we want to watch a movie, we either buy it on demand or stream it online. Gasp, the convenience! If we want sex, we masturbate. I think this predates internet and delivery food, btw If we want to have a good time, we do drugs. Ditto We have this false belief that doing things faster will give us a life more fulfilled — that it will lead to us being happier. But that isn’t the case. Most of us aren’t happier. We do more, but we experience less. We are never in the moment because we are always considering what we will be doing next in order to not become bored. Once again, I agree, but what the fuck does this have to do with the title of your article? Is this about men being “men” or society being overly-convenient? All of those conveniences are enjoyed by women, too, you realize. Girls have Spotify, last I checked.

Character is most often built during those moments between activities, during moments of solitude and reflection. Like how? An example would be awesome right here. Men no longer feel the need to pause and reflect because the options for whatever it is they want are only a click away. They certainty don’t feel the need to think about evidence for their arguments. The options are endless and therefore we never truly experience disappointment. Never. We are never disappointed. Ever. Except, maybe, when we read this.

We never really feel that we are missing out on something because we no longer give things much importance. Jackie never got back to your text message? I’m sure you have several other women in your contacts that you’d equally like to f*ck — once. Yea! Its like I have this little piece of paper filled with numbers of people I like to call to hook up with! And when somebody turns me down I look at this piece of paper and dial another number! Seriously dude, you are killing yourself with phone examples. Dudes were douchebags before iPhones. THEY FOUND A WAY. Then you’ll get bored and move on to the next one. Men treat women like interchangeable commodities. Only now! Not in the past! When men could literally have a woman as a piece of property. Not then. Now. I do believe that most men still hope to one day fall in love and settle down. Aw, you’re sweet But none of them will unless they change their way of thinking and living. NONE. NOT ONE. THAT IS NOT AT ALL OVERSTATING THINGS

Being focused on self-satisfaction will lead to nothing but broken relationships. Real men are not selfish. Real men are just as concerned for the feelings, needs and minds of women as they are for their own — not just women’s bodies and their sexual usefulness. Real men have a well-defined code of ethics and respect that they follow. This is, so far, the only reasonable, well said and truthful statement you’ve made. Congratulations. 1000 monkeys with a 1000 typewriters.

How can anyone call himself a man if the last time he had to confront another man — whether it be over a social incident or for business purposes — was before he hit puberty? What? If you don’t have the twiddle-diddles WHAT? to approach a woman at a bar in person and have a proper, intellectual conversation, making the woman feel respected and comfortable, then move over for the real men. Yea, be a real man and pick up chicks at a bar. There ya go, buddy. Get em nice and drunk while you’re at it. Ass.

It’s awful because women are becoming accustomed to such boys and believing that these pansies are all that is left of our sex. If only they had more ‘Bros like you to choose from. Sigh. Some great women are settling for these fools and then finding that they themselves have no choice but to wear the pants in the family because their “man” is PMSing. All I can hope for is that the law of evolution will see the world rid of these weaklings, these characterless, hopeless pseudo-men. True speak from a genuine man of science like yourself.

Ladies… real men do exist; there aren’t many of us, but we’re survivors and will be around for a while. Come find us. Wait, are you just a bitter single dude trying to pick up chicks on the internet with this inane article? Making you the exact Call of Duty playing dipshit that you are criticizing? Man, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, good luck, you’re obviously a real catch.

Punch Lines All May Long!

By “Punch Lines” I mean the Bay Area clubs that are oh-so-good to me. Its the beginning of a busy May where I’ll be featuring in Sacramento starting tonight and in San Francisco from the 22nd – 25th.

So if you’re in the East Bay, check me out this week with Dan Soder and Casey Ley. If you are in SF, I’ll be with Barry Rothbart and Colleen Watson . I’m really excited for both of these weeks. Both Colleen and Casey are good friends of mine and its always a fun to work with people you like hanging out with in general. And while I don’t personally know Barry or Dan, they are both funny guys who tweet about sports, which leads me to believe we’ll get along just fine. Then there’s the fact that I’ve got LOTS O NEW JOKES. That’s right, there’s plenty of stuff you haven’t heard.

So yea, that all starts tonight. Other news includes: I edited, audio mixed, sfx’ed, animated, lit, helped shoot, helped direct, helped run live sound, drank lots of coffee for a project that is meant to promote ABC’s “Family Tools” sitcom. This means I’ve got an actual network TV credit as a video editor/animator. Not too bad for just getting back into the game. Hopefully this leads to more editing/animating/production!

Speaking of video: if you go to my YouTube it’s pretty bare. That’s because I took out most of the old content as I plan on updating it with video of this week and the May 22-25th’s sets. It’s time for a refresh.

Finally, my birthday is tomorrow. Don’t worry, you still have time to get me something. I’m easy to shop for. Crumpled dollar bills out of a dirty hand is my favorite thing, so that’ll do.

Matt